Summer Fun

Well it's beginning to look like Summer is here, yay! Hubby is working lots and very long days which is great although sometimes it feel like I never get a break. We finally made a purchase of a new vehicle so I am no longer stuck at home or only with activities within walking distance. Since we have purchased the car I feel like we have been going no stop though catching up on a bunch of visiting and things that have been put off. There is one trip that we haven't made yet and it makes me anxious even thinking about it and discussing it with hubby causes an argument...my dad's.

I have the daughter guilt...it is the worst. I want to go and get it over with but in the same sense I am not looking forward to the lectures I will be getting, cause there is no way they will ever not bitch about how I have not brought my daughter out, how I am still breastfeeding, how we are too overprotective etc. It wouldn't be them if I didn't hear them complaining about how everyone does them wrong.

I also have the wife guilt...do I disrespect my husband wishes because I should have a say too? When his mom was alive we didn't take our daughter there because we didn't want her around the smoke and his mom had stuff laying around that we wouldn't want our daughter to get a hold of, and his mom was more then okay coming to our house, she never once moaned and groaned about coming to our place cause she got to see her granddaughter, yet we get the exact opposite from my family. Not to mention the whole dog thing...hubby is terrified that our wishes won't be respected and that the dogs will be brought out and then we will be leaving on bad terms.

I always feel like I am torn when it comes to this situation, one, I don't want to have to choose, two, I am not a child anymore I don't need to be lectured and three, times have changed, what worked for them and their child (my half brother) is not what I want for my child.

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Fast Forward...

Well the first couple of months went by pretty fast mostly a blur but not for lack of sleep. It was mostly just he whirlwind of euphoria...I spent most of my days in disbelief that this beautiful baby was mine I had created her, she had grown inside my body.

15 months later here I am a Stay at Home Mom who is still Breastfeeding and trying to figure my way through Motherhood. My house is constantly messy and I still wonder where the day went and how can I run after DD and pick up the same things over and over again but never seem to accomplish much.

A lot of times I feel down and tired, I don't feel much like a woman. I wear comfy clothes (or pj's ) all the time as I seem to have gained more weight after having DD then I did when I was pregnant with her. To be honest I ate/eat junk food like crazy...as soon as she was out and I could have sugars again I went crazy. People asked if they could bring me anything when visiting those 2 days in the hospital and I said "Timbits" lol. Probably not such a good idea :) I have lost a bit since the winter, but with winter coming back I need to watch myself.

Baby #2?

We have also discussed having another if it happens and have decided we would be more then happy but we recently went through a scary miscarriage, well scary for us who have never had one before. I had found out I was pregnant on a Thursday and had miscarried as of the Sunday, was sent home as I had chosen to let thing continue to progress naturally. I was breastfeeding so I didn't want to take medication and the other option, a D&C was not something I wanted to do knowing I had a baby to look after at home. SO works outside and therefore needs to get all the work he can during the good weather and without me working it's not like we could afford it.

Wednesday evening SO had taken DD out for a walk before dinner and I had some cramps that were pretty painful, when I went into the bathroom and when SO came back I still there and was bleeding continually so we packed up and went up to the hospital. By time I had been checked in I had bleed through my clothes...I was admitted and sent to a room where I was given adult diapers which I was changing every half hour and that was only because that was the point I couldn't stand it anymore. They monitored for a bit and I was given medication to essentially induce a labour so I could pass the remainder of the pregnancy. It wasn't too bad for me and after a few more hours I was allowed to go home. Over the next two and half weeks I continued to bleed/spot. I am thankful that it is finally over and now we can try again.