Trying to Conceive #2 & Getting Impatient

As I wrote previously I have had difficulty in the past becoming pregnant but now that I have had a successful pregnancy and then miscarriage I have been impatiently waiting for it to happen again.

It was a long road to having our daughter, 8 years and a little time spent seeing a specialist who diagnosed me with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) because of irregular periods. We were at the point where we had given up hope when we became pregnant with my daughter. Now two years later and one miscarriage in between I am having a hard time dealing with waiting.

I have been tracking my cycle and doing most of the other options of checking for my fertile window minus the temperature taking and spending a fortune on ovulation prediction kits. Every month I am late I am anxiously awaiting a positive test only to get a negative. The financial cost of tests have me reverting to dollar store tests which I hear they swear are legitimate, I would have to concur at this point they are.

I am getting older, 38 in January and hubby is going to be 40... I just want it to happen already. I feel like I was given a glimpse in to the beauty of pregnancy and now it is being held away from me. I felt like with all the issues during my first pregnancy kept me from really enjoying it and now I know what to expect it is all I want.

I recently went for my physical and the doctor when doing the pap told me my cervix appeared a little blue which could mean early pregnancy. He also thought I may have a bladder infection so he sent me for a blood pregnancy test and I am still patiently (not) waiting to hear back from him, it will be a week tomorrow. I did a pee test but it came out negative, I am also a week out from my period and I didn't use my first morning pee, so maybe it was wrong? Fingers crossed.

** So I started this blog post and apparently I never published :( Anyways an update...I am not pregnant which I am sad about but I figured and my sugars are high. Now I am working on losing weight and getting my sugars under control, I will then go back to the doctor in 6 months and discuss my progress and get my sugar retested. I am monitoring as well and I am to see him if I see a consistently high reading.

Signs...

July 25th, 2007

I had woken up early that day for some reason, I was unemployed at the time and didn't need to be any where but I hadn't slept well. I had woken up wide awake in the middle of the night so waking up early surprised me. After seeing hubby off to work I began watching Breakfast TV Toronto when I saw my Aunt Leslie was going to be on, I quickly began recording it, little did I know that my day was about to change dramatically from a moment of pride for my family to a very sad day.

After watching my Aunt I drank my coffee watched some other TV and fiddled around on the computer, checked out Facebook which I had just discovered at the time. About 10 am I heard my SO pull up so I went to the door to see why he was home so early...

The look on his face and the words that came out still haunt me to this day, the pain in his eyes having to deliver such horrible news. My brother Wesley had been in a car accident and had been killed instantly.

I was in shock I remember yelling no and breaking down and then calling my Mom and Stepfather to get details. My Stepfather was mostly matter of fact but you could hear the tears in his voice as he told me what he knew had happened, he had been driving with a friend to pick up a fridge and the driver had been drinking when he went off the road about 3 am, approximately the time I woke up for what I thought was no reason.

Another Sign?

Recently I suffered a miscarriage and although it sucked that it happened I am not upset about it as I know these things happen unfortunately. The days leading up to me even finding out I was pregnant I had a weird dream that my Stepfather was alive although he had died in 2008, it was so weird and real feeling that I can't even describe it properly.

Then the night after I found out I was pregnant I had a dream that I was taking my baby to meet my Grandmother who had died in 2003, but it wasn't my daughter, although when I first woke up I assumed it was. I didn't even put the meeting of the departed loved ones as a sign that the pregnancy was not going to last until after the miscarriage.

How strange is that? I am definitely going to pay more attention to dreams and weird feelings I get from now on.

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Fast Forward...

Well the first couple of months went by pretty fast mostly a blur but not for lack of sleep. It was mostly just he whirlwind of euphoria...I spent most of my days in disbelief that this beautiful baby was mine I had created her, she had grown inside my body.

15 months later here I am a Stay at Home Mom who is still Breastfeeding and trying to figure my way through Motherhood. My house is constantly messy and I still wonder where the day went and how can I run after DD and pick up the same things over and over again but never seem to accomplish much.

A lot of times I feel down and tired, I don't feel much like a woman. I wear comfy clothes (or pj's ) all the time as I seem to have gained more weight after having DD then I did when I was pregnant with her. To be honest I ate/eat junk food like crazy...as soon as she was out and I could have sugars again I went crazy. People asked if they could bring me anything when visiting those 2 days in the hospital and I said "Timbits" lol. Probably not such a good idea :) I have lost a bit since the winter, but with winter coming back I need to watch myself.

Baby #2?

We have also discussed having another if it happens and have decided we would be more then happy but we recently went through a scary miscarriage, well scary for us who have never had one before. I had found out I was pregnant on a Thursday and had miscarried as of the Sunday, was sent home as I had chosen to let thing continue to progress naturally. I was breastfeeding so I didn't want to take medication and the other option, a D&C was not something I wanted to do knowing I had a baby to look after at home. SO works outside and therefore needs to get all the work he can during the good weather and without me working it's not like we could afford it.

Wednesday evening SO had taken DD out for a walk before dinner and I had some cramps that were pretty painful, when I went into the bathroom and when SO came back I still there and was bleeding continually so we packed up and went up to the hospital. By time I had been checked in I had bleed through my clothes...I was admitted and sent to a room where I was given adult diapers which I was changing every half hour and that was only because that was the point I couldn't stand it anymore. They monitored for a bit and I was given medication to essentially induce a labour so I could pass the remainder of the pregnancy. It wasn't too bad for me and after a few more hours I was allowed to go home. Over the next two and half weeks I continued to bleed/spot. I am thankful that it is finally over and now we can try again.