Summer Fun

Well it's beginning to look like Summer is here, yay! Hubby is working lots and very long days which is great although sometimes it feel like I never get a break. We finally made a purchase of a new vehicle so I am no longer stuck at home or only with activities within walking distance. Since we have purchased the car I feel like we have been going no stop though catching up on a bunch of visiting and things that have been put off. There is one trip that we haven't made yet and it makes me anxious even thinking about it and discussing it with hubby causes an argument...my dad's.

I have the daughter guilt...it is the worst. I want to go and get it over with but in the same sense I am not looking forward to the lectures I will be getting, cause there is no way they will ever not bitch about how I have not brought my daughter out, how I am still breastfeeding, how we are too overprotective etc. It wouldn't be them if I didn't hear them complaining about how everyone does them wrong.

I also have the wife guilt...do I disrespect my husband wishes because I should have a say too? When his mom was alive we didn't take our daughter there because we didn't want her around the smoke and his mom had stuff laying around that we wouldn't want our daughter to get a hold of, and his mom was more then okay coming to our house, she never once moaned and groaned about coming to our place cause she got to see her granddaughter, yet we get the exact opposite from my family. Not to mention the whole dog thing...hubby is terrified that our wishes won't be respected and that the dogs will be brought out and then we will be leaving on bad terms.

I always feel like I am torn when it comes to this situation, one, I don't want to have to choose, two, I am not a child anymore I don't need to be lectured and three, times have changed, what worked for them and their child (my half brother) is not what I want for my child.

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Overprotective?

Why is it when I don't want to take DD to family members houses or let them babysit (while I go no where) they call me overprotective?  I have no need to leave her with people as this is the reason I chose to be a stay at home mom while I can. She is also only 18 months! Not exactly sleepover age.

 I find it easier to have people over to my place where I know what she is into and I have child locks on everything. She is also at a stage where she is shy around everyone and doesn't want to go to people she rarely sees but I am "spoiling her" or she is being miserable. Let's not forget that I am still breastfeeding and that "should be stopped for everyone sake" even though it is recommended to 2 years and is very good for her health-wise and is only non sociable because people are uneducated.

Some of my family stop visiting because they just forget to stop by, apparently, but if you want to be a part of your granddaughters life why wouldn't you make the effort whether or not it means you have to go out of your way? I am the bad person for not taking her places too when we only have one vehicle and and it's not here most of the time. I can call and ask for rides but then I need the carseat which is in our one vehicle and I don't like to be a bother and when I want to go home I have to wait until whomever is ready.

I feel like it is a constant battle as to what we did when we were being raised and what people did with their kids and well "nothing bad happened to them". Also just cause you won't smoke when she is there the fact that you do smoke in your house means there is nicotine and other toxins on the stuff in your house. I know this as I was a smoker before too, and I don't want my daughter around it, she deserves better then what we had as kids.

I can't wait for the holidays to be over...

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Signs...

July 25th, 2007

I had woken up early that day for some reason, I was unemployed at the time and didn't need to be any where but I hadn't slept well. I had woken up wide awake in the middle of the night so waking up early surprised me. After seeing hubby off to work I began watching Breakfast TV Toronto when I saw my Aunt Leslie was going to be on, I quickly began recording it, little did I know that my day was about to change dramatically from a moment of pride for my family to a very sad day.

After watching my Aunt I drank my coffee watched some other TV and fiddled around on the computer, checked out Facebook which I had just discovered at the time. About 10 am I heard my SO pull up so I went to the door to see why he was home so early...

The look on his face and the words that came out still haunt me to this day, the pain in his eyes having to deliver such horrible news. My brother Wesley had been in a car accident and had been killed instantly.

I was in shock I remember yelling no and breaking down and then calling my Mom and Stepfather to get details. My Stepfather was mostly matter of fact but you could hear the tears in his voice as he told me what he knew had happened, he had been driving with a friend to pick up a fridge and the driver had been drinking when he went off the road about 3 am, approximately the time I woke up for what I thought was no reason.

Another Sign?

Recently I suffered a miscarriage and although it sucked that it happened I am not upset about it as I know these things happen unfortunately. The days leading up to me even finding out I was pregnant I had a weird dream that my Stepfather was alive although he had died in 2008, it was so weird and real feeling that I can't even describe it properly.

Then the night after I found out I was pregnant I had a dream that I was taking my baby to meet my Grandmother who had died in 2003, but it wasn't my daughter, although when I first woke up I assumed it was. I didn't even put the meeting of the departed loved ones as a sign that the pregnancy was not going to last until after the miscarriage.

How strange is that? I am definitely going to pay more attention to dreams and weird feelings I get from now on.

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Am I a bad Mom?

So recently I noticed some issues with my daughters teeth. First it was a small spot that looked like a cavity right on the very front of her top tooth, then I noticed that her lateral incisors looked like they were actually broken. Then yesterday I noticed that it looked like she has some decay behind those teeth. I called the dentist and went today. Of course it didn't go well because she definitely didn't want strangers touching her let alone touching her mouth which was half my battle and why I didn't notice. Now I have a referral to have her sedated while they do her teeth and I am freaked out about it....I don't want her put out but I don't want this to become a problem for her.

Now as to why I feel like I am a bad mom...I don't like the cry it out practice, I can't do it. I tried but it wasn't for me, I don't like making her feel like she is being abandon therefore she sleeps at the breast and then nearby or at night with us in bed. She is always falling asleep at the breast, very rare does she sleep on her own, she can and has but the routine is for her have her mmm-ba (her name for the breast) before bed and when she is ready for her nap she takes my hand and tells me she wants the breast. The dentist recommends washing her teeth after she is done at the breast but how do I do this to a sleeping baby without having to start the whole process over again? I guess I am destine to figure this out as I have to do whatever I can to keep a handle on her teeth.

I feel as though by making things easy for her and less of a battle for myself I have created these problems with her teeth, I feel horrible. I don't want her to have these issues and I will have to get them dealt with but I am afraid of putting her out (sedating her) while she is so young. I know first hand how your smile can affect your self esteem as I too had issues with my own teeth and then at 25 got them straighten, although they have shifted slightly they are way better then they were. I don't want her to have this issues.

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My Favourite Things...

Okay for new mom's these are a few of my favourite things product wise:

Food:

Okay so I got a +Baby Bullet  for Christmas and it was fantastic for a while until DD wanted to eat everything we were eating now it is collecting dust. She does eat the odd pureed food and I find the @Heinz Baby food pouches the best as they incorporate both fruit and vegetables which is reassuring that she is getting a variety of foods.

Clothing:

The best clothes I got for DD are Carter's brand as they seem to fit the longest and have really have cute outfits that can mix with other pieces. As for needs, I didn't really need much more then a few diaper shirts at first and now at 16 months she is happiest in t-shirts and leggings or track/jogging pants. When we go out we tend to use the diaper shirts now that the weather is getting colder. For pajamas she slept better in two piece pajamas and it made diaper changing a whole lot easier, she now wants more one piece ones but the problem is with her running around it is hard to find ones with grippers on the bottom which is very important as most people have hardwood style floors or linoleum.

Diapers:

We love +Pampers Baby they are the best, right now we bought some size 3 cruisers that are getting a little small so we use them throughout the day and at night we use Pampers Baby Dry (size 4) and we have never had a problem. I think in total we have had only one blow out using Pampers and that was when she was first born and honestly I don't think any diaper would have held that much :)

Bedding:

We bed share so the crib gets barely used and we had a bassinet and we also barely used that but in all honesty I am glad I had them to try and decide how it was going to go. I still use the crib for some naps.

Toys:

The best toy we bought was her +playskool Rocktivity Sit to Stand Music Stand, she loved it at 6 months and it encouraged her to stand up, although the legs did come off we kept them on. Right now her favourite toy is her Potato Head family, she can play for hours by herself, I know it is recommended for kids 3+ but we have taken away the smaller pieces (the earrings). So as my favourite toy company it would be Playskool and she she loves +Sesame Street  and they promote those characters too.

Keepsakes:

I was all excited to get a baby book when I found out I was pregnant and so I went out and paid $30 for one and to be honest it is only half filled out. The best thing I found for keepsakes purposes was a photo book made by me and published by +Shutterfly it is beautiful, hard covered and personalized with my pictures. Best of all? +Shutterfly has the most amazing deals and most of my orders where under $10!! Even with delivery!

Anyways this is all I can think of at the moment so hopefully it helps any Mamma's :)
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The things I wish someone would have told me...

So here goes my list of things I wish I knew about having a baby...

1. your hair falls out...lots of it, some people experience bald spots. I didn't but have heard it happens. So be prepared to constantly have frizzy hair.

2. your breasts will hurt bleed chap, cracked and no longer feel as youthful and be thought of as sexy, they are food, they are your babies.

3. time will fly by and you will wonder what you did all day and how you couldn't manage to even start a load of laundry, let alone complete it.

4. you don't need a ton of clothing...in the summer your baby will probably wear next to nothing and in the winter sleepers are good enough.

5. you will have no time to yourself,  even the simplest of tasks will involve your baby and you will plan everything around him/her.

6. your day is miserable if your baby doesn't want to nap and you will realize why you had a bed time as a child...for your parents mental health and you now know why they got so mad when you wouldn't go to sleep.

There are tons of things I could go on about..but these are just some of the first things I noticed.
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New Baby New Life...and a change of plans

Big Plans...little thought

So before I had DD I had big plans on going back to work, having family babysit her and just going on with my life. I didn't know that I would be so in love with this little person that I wouldn't want her out of my sight. The whole idea of going to my Dad's and hanging out in the summer was squashed, he has big aggressive dogs and I wouldn't be comfortable with her there as SO was already bit by one while I was pregnant. Even my own cats fell victim to the protectiveness I felt over this little tiny girl, they were pushed away and untrustworthy all of a sudden.

My other plans of having DD and heading home within 24 hrs was dashed too by my choice to have the c-section which left us in a bit of a financial pickle. I had already applied for my maternity benefits but had yet to receive them and with the cost of the move and travelling back and forth to appointments had left us broke. Parking was almost $20 a day and then food for SO was not cheap at the hospital and leaving and repaying parking was out of the question. Stress, stress, stress...I also opted to leave the hospital a day earlier then they recommended as well, still struggling with breastfeeding.

Heading Home

So heading home was a bit of a challenge as we only have a pickup truck and we had so much stuff from our days of waiting and then not being entirely sure how to fit in the car seat we called my dad. So my Dad and Stepmother came and picked us up the drive home wasn't too bad other then the two of them arguing about the traffic (it was a long weekend and Friday night) and the seat belt pressing on my incision. Oh and did I mention it was during a heatwave and my Dad thought it was unhealthy for DD to breathe recycled air?

It was so nice to be home, as soon as my parents left  felt like I could finally breathe. My SO was a little concerned that we came early especially with me just having surgery and the new baby. He had previous had children in another relationship but they were natural births and he was much younger. DD was his second chance and he wasn't prepared to take any chances with her safety or mine so we had some tension that very first night, which we both got over quickly.

We seemed to get into a routine pretty easily over the next couple of weeks and I think my major saving grace was having my SO home with me for the first 2 months. He cooked, he cleaned and he supported me even though we had to deal with combining our parenting styles which led to a few disagreements but nothing we couldn't overcome.

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Being a Mom for a whole day...

I am a MOM...

So for the first day of my daughters life things were alright, a little stressful though. I could not for the life of me get her to latch and I couldn't find a comfortable hold in that very uncomfortable hospital bed. I also was still itchy from the morphine, which is what was in my epidural. Now for a girl who barely takes a Tylenol this was pretty hard core for me and then to realize that the Benadryl they were giving me was making me feel off too. I don't even normally take cold medication cause I get all messed up, lol.

During my first Mommy day I did my best to breastfeed and still no matter how hard I tried could not figure it out. Had a few visitors and tried to sleep a little, but that night my SO had to go home and check on our pets and get himself a comfortable nights sleep, he had slept on cots and chairs for the last two nights and had been awaken every time I was checked on or the baby stirred.

Holy SH*T I am a MOM!

My first time ALONE was scary at first I didn't want him to go but I understood and he made sure he let the nurse assigned to me know  as well. The nurse I had was great she was supportive when I was frustrated about the baby not latching and she stayed and talked with me and didn't make me feel guilty about cup feeding DD.

After the nurse left I was alone again and I could do nothing but stare at this beautiful little girl in amazement...she was mine.  I created this perfect beautiful little girl. Wow!

The next time the nurse popped her head in she reminded me I should get some sleep...after a bit more staring, I did.

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