Trying to Conceive #2 & Getting Impatient

As I wrote previously I have had difficulty in the past becoming pregnant but now that I have had a successful pregnancy and then miscarriage I have been impatiently waiting for it to happen again.

It was a long road to having our daughter, 8 years and a little time spent seeing a specialist who diagnosed me with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) because of irregular periods. We were at the point where we had given up hope when we became pregnant with my daughter. Now two years later and one miscarriage in between I am having a hard time dealing with waiting.

I have been tracking my cycle and doing most of the other options of checking for my fertile window minus the temperature taking and spending a fortune on ovulation prediction kits. Every month I am late I am anxiously awaiting a positive test only to get a negative. The financial cost of tests have me reverting to dollar store tests which I hear they swear are legitimate, I would have to concur at this point they are.

I am getting older, 38 in January and hubby is going to be 40... I just want it to happen already. I feel like I was given a glimpse in to the beauty of pregnancy and now it is being held away from me. I felt like with all the issues during my first pregnancy kept me from really enjoying it and now I know what to expect it is all I want.

I recently went for my physical and the doctor when doing the pap told me my cervix appeared a little blue which could mean early pregnancy. He also thought I may have a bladder infection so he sent me for a blood pregnancy test and I am still patiently (not) waiting to hear back from him, it will be a week tomorrow. I did a pee test but it came out negative, I am also a week out from my period and I didn't use my first morning pee, so maybe it was wrong? Fingers crossed.

** So I started this blog post and apparently I never published :( Anyways an update...I am not pregnant which I am sad about but I figured and my sugars are high. Now I am working on losing weight and getting my sugars under control, I will then go back to the doctor in 6 months and discuss my progress and get my sugar retested. I am monitoring as well and I am to see him if I see a consistently high reading.

Facebook Etiquette in my Eyes

So sometimes I see stuff on Facebook or twitter that drives me bonkers so I thought I would compose a list of what I think should be done certain situations, here we go...

Birthdays:

It's your birthday and all your friends are wishing you a "Happy Birthday" you want to write thank you to all of them or you don't either way a simple "like"is a nice way of telling that person you saw their post and you appreciate them thinking about you. Why is that so hard? Especially with all the smart phones the notifications will let us know you read it instead of hoping we see your general "thank you"status post which as we all know Facebook gods may deem not important for us to see.

Condolences:

When I have written in the past about a death in the family of a member or of a friend your comments mean so much to me...keep them coming and if I only "like" what you written know that it means the world to me. If you are really curious for details, private message me and I will get back to you when I am ready.

Bad Day:

So your having a bad day, or you are sick, whatever...If I or anyone else takes the time to wish you well or give you words of encouragement for the love of GOD just "like" it!! When I see people who consistently complain about being sick or miserable it irritates me to no end, I don't want to come on Facebook and see misery but I understand there are times when you need to turn to your friends and get a little support. Just don't make it the only thing you do.

Completely Unintelligible Statuses:

Sure sometimes our technology thinks they know what we are trying to say and they want to help us out by spelling things for us, but they make things completely wrong...Before you post please proof read what you have written!! There is nothing worse then seeing someone who apparently graduated from high school have atrocious spelling, puts doubts in my mind as to the education system as should I home school my daughter. All it takes is an extra minute people!

Family:

Now I love that you have been a part of my life since the day I was born, since I was a kid or since whenever. There are things you know about me, nicknames, funny yet embarrassing stories etc. Please do not just go ahead and write them all over my pictures or wall. Some of us are trying to keep our Facebook professional to an extent. Also tagging me in your dirty jokes or about getting wasted are not cool especially if they are particularly offensive to other cultures, you may find that funny but I don't.

Now for Twitter:

If we are exchanging tweets and you've seen it please Favourite it, that way I don't feel like I am left hanging...I'll do it for you. If you really like what I've written please Re-Tweet it is greatly appreciated!

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@happysgurl

Summer's Over :(

What a sad thought, although Summer is not technically over for a couple of more weeks the whole Back to School sure makes us realize the end is near.

So all my ideas of all we would do this summer with the new car has yet to happen...Although we do have plans for the fall, just watching for a super good deal on a hotel...Skyline Inn is where we want to stay but we missed out on a super deal so Hubby wants to wait and see if we can get something that good. I keep watching day after day, hoping it will drop soon.

We did manage to do a few things, we had our Cousin BBQ with my cousins on my mom's side and it was awesome as always, we all get along really well and I can't wait until next year. I manage to get out and visit a few friends but still have plenty more to see.

I also found out that I need to have surgery on my arm... Not sure if I mentioned pinching a nerve in my elbow but I did it a while back, like in March, and it has never corrected itself or gotten any better. I knew that I only had two options so I was hoping it would just work itself out which is the only other option besides the surgery that I can find in my research. Well I went and saw a specialist and it appears I have nerve damage now and am showing signs of muscle weakness in my hand, so because it is not improving it is my only option now. I haven't got a date yet and I am a little anxious to get it over with, but also a little concerned cause I am not sure how well I am going to do with a very busy toddler and a gimped up arm.

In other big news...I went out to my dad's and it was alright...we been out a few times now and it has been good, get the odd comment and the dogs have kept mostly at bay. One dog at a time has worked and zero contact with the Rottweiler that bit Hubby and all has been good. She loves my dad and excited to go see him and I love the bond they are forming but...He is really pushing for her to be closer to my step-mom and for her to spend some one on one time with her. I wish I could just say "ya sure" but I am not comfortable with that yet...  for many reasons.

I have always been known as the forgiving one and the one who lets things go, but now I find somethings from the past are resurfacing and I am just unable to let them go. Growing wasn't easy, we didn't have much money and circumstances weren't easy when we left living with our mom abruptly and started living with my dad, his girlfriend and not even a year old half brother. I know sometimes I wasn't easy to live with either but I don't think I deserve the treatment I received.  My step-mom and I fought, a lot, I always felt like I ruined her whole plan of happiness and that she never wanted us (me and my older brother) around. From the sneaking treats to my little brother and nothing to us, to the comments that my mother should have aborted me, how could I not? I left home when I was 17 and lived with my friend until college where I went back to live with my mom and forge an awesome relationship.

Now the problem is as a mother I could never imagine treating someone who came to me with obvious issues the way she treated me. Hubby has two kids from a previous relationship and I could never imagine treating them like they are in the way or a burden.

How do I get over this? Can I?

Summer Fun

Well it's beginning to look like Summer is here, yay! Hubby is working lots and very long days which is great although sometimes it feel like I never get a break. We finally made a purchase of a new vehicle so I am no longer stuck at home or only with activities within walking distance. Since we have purchased the car I feel like we have been going no stop though catching up on a bunch of visiting and things that have been put off. There is one trip that we haven't made yet and it makes me anxious even thinking about it and discussing it with hubby causes an argument...my dad's.

I have the daughter guilt...it is the worst. I want to go and get it over with but in the same sense I am not looking forward to the lectures I will be getting, cause there is no way they will ever not bitch about how I have not brought my daughter out, how I am still breastfeeding, how we are too overprotective etc. It wouldn't be them if I didn't hear them complaining about how everyone does them wrong.

I also have the wife guilt...do I disrespect my husband wishes because I should have a say too? When his mom was alive we didn't take our daughter there because we didn't want her around the smoke and his mom had stuff laying around that we wouldn't want our daughter to get a hold of, and his mom was more then okay coming to our house, she never once moaned and groaned about coming to our place cause she got to see her granddaughter, yet we get the exact opposite from my family. Not to mention the whole dog thing...hubby is terrified that our wishes won't be respected and that the dogs will be brought out and then we will be leaving on bad terms.

I always feel like I am torn when it comes to this situation, one, I don't want to have to choose, two, I am not a child anymore I don't need to be lectured and three, times have changed, what worked for them and their child (my half brother) is not what I want for my child.

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Election Time

Well the time is coming near where we have to make a choice as to who we want to run our province and I am at a loss... Who to chose?

The Liberals:
They have some major mistakes under their belt in the last two years as our government, billion dollar mistakes...but they seem like they are on a path to try and redeem themselves well at least not get any worse.

The NDP:
Used to be my favourite party under Jack Layton but Andrea Horwath just doesn't seem like a go getter. She just doesn't seem to be fighting very hard and at times seems like she only makes changes when she is pressured to do so.

The PC:
Oh god I don't even know where to start with this one... Okay I do :) Tim Hudak creeps me out, just something about him doesn't seem trust worthy. There are so many other battles that could have been picked before the election was called and it just seemed like his dramatics with libel suits and calling names covered up what was really going on. Since the calling of the election he was the first one with a platform which he should have thought more carefully about because this Million Jobs idea SUCKS!! Cut 100,000 jobs and then you have those people now trying to get these jobs that he is creating and those numbers are still a figment or imagination right now.

My Opinion:
What we need are jobs yes...lots of them but we also need to make sure that the people who have these government jobs are being held accountable and that they are doing the work that is expected of them, otherwise free that position up to someone who is willing to do the job. Over the years you see many people who have been burnt out working hard taking on extra tasks to keep their jobs so that they can afford to live, why aren't we looking at the cost of living?

Healthcare is another issue, I live in a town where we have one walk in clinic for over 100,000 people, in the event of an emergency we might as well just head to the hospital cause we have a better chance of getting seen. Our family doctor is fantastic thankfully and his appointment system allows for us to drop in most days, but for other we know that is not an option they have to wait weeks or hope they can get to the walk-in an hour before it opens.

These are just a few thoughts, my thoughts... I just don't know which way to go it feels like I don't have many options maybe something miraculous will happen in the next two weeks to sway my vote one way or the other.

Trying to feel pretty again...

Well I am doing my best to feel somewhat normal again since having my daughter almost 2 years ago, it is not easy. I see celebrity mom's looking fantastic a week after giving birth and I am envious but then I remember that I don't have lots of money for a home gym and a personal trainer.

So recently I went out got my hair cut shorter and put in some highlights. I am trying to get motivated to get out walking more and eating better to lose some weight. While putting my plan into motion I was given the opportunity to try  new #imPressManicure nails from Influenster and BroadwayNails. I don't have time to go to a nail salon and get my nails done and from having had them done before I know the pain and cost of having them filled and removed.

Here is my experience with my #imPressManicure...

Received my sample in the mail Friday and after reading direction I decided to apply them after my daughter had gone to bed as it says not to expose them to water for at least 30 minutes and with a toddler I am constantly washing something. Application was easy and took very little time.

Saturday Morning we had plans to drive to the next city over and visit some friends and family while getting in a little shopping. Chasing after my toddler all day I didn't lose a single nail and they still felt very firmly attached.

Sunday I took my daughter to the zoo and to visit more friends, still throughout the day they were fine. After a very messy dinner I hauled my daughter off to the bath which was a marathon bath was probably playing in the bath for over a half hour. After my daughter went to bed I noticed one nail was starting to lift so I decided to remove them which was super easy. I didn't even need chemicals nor did my fingers feel bruised like with salon nails when they pull off.

All in all I found the quality to be fantastic, received many compliments on the nails and the design. I recommend these to anyone who wants the look of salon nails without all the cost and hassle of having to go to the salon, or someone who wants temporary nails. As a mom of a busy toddler they were great and didn't scratch my daughter. She wants to put them on now! :)

Home Again...

Stay-at-Home Mom Part II

Well my turn at going back to work was short lived...hubby went back to work and is commuting almost an hour away and with his hours and my hours daycare just wasn't an option.

I am so happy to be at home again but now it is a matter of finding some income while working at home. Everyone always suggests taking in people's kids but I am just not in a space where that would be good for them (no fenced yard, busy street) that and I have a hard enough time keeping my own daughter busy.

So what we've been up to...we spent the last two weeks being sick and recovering. DD was suppose to go have her dental work done but that got rescheduled until July because the anesthesiologist doesn't want to do when she is under two. We are still working on getting DD to talk more but she likes to do more actions and sounds then talking, lol. When I tell her to say the word she just smiles at me and laughs so at least I know she understands me. I am not going to worry too much yet and hopefully she will come around soon. With me being home I am going to try and take more opportunities to get her our socializing and maybe that will get her talking more.

In sad news...

Hubby's mom passed away in February...he found her and is still trying to deal with it. He is constantly worried about his own mortality and leaving us behind. I don't know how much help I am because it is not a topic I want to think about often. The good thing that came out of it is that he is back in contact with some of his family and we will hopefully be spending Easter with his sister.

My Family Drama...

Well my dad and step-mom came to the funeral to show support which they did for hubby but me I got a lecture...I was truly pissed off and still kind of am. I got told how I am doing my daughter a disservice cause she doesn't go out, so they think cause we don't go to their house. DD did not want to go to them and played shy because she doesn't know them, I mentioned that they were always more then welcome to stop by (this is the first time we have seen them since just after DD birthday in June) but my dad says he doesn't want to come sit around my place there is more to do at his place yet all we do is sit around when I have visited him and I told him that.

I don't know what more to do with them, I want them to be a part of her life but I can't deal with being lectured at every opportunity. I can't believe it is come down to this, they won't be a part of her life if we don't go out there, and this stubbornness is why they don't have a relationship with their other grand kids.

Co-Sleeping

Alright I am just going to put it out there...we co-sleep with our daughter and we are fine with it. If your not okay with it then that is your problem. I am so sick of anytime I say I am having issues with DD's sleep pattern everyone always says "is she still sleeping in your bed?"

First off that is not what is the issue, she sleeps fine in our bed it's just getting her to nap that is the issue it's the fact that she would rather nap at 4 pm (or later) and then stay up all night. Why does her sleeping in our bed have to be the cause or to blame? I feel like it is just another battle of parenthood that I am having to deal with and frankly I am getting sick of it.

If it's not the co-sleeping, it is the breastfeeding and if not that it's that she is very attached to me and my spouse. I know I had all these fantastic ideas of how things would be, but there not and at the end of the day my baby is happy and healthy, she would warm up to people more if she saw them more often and if they just gave her time to warm up to them rather then just writing her off and calling her a "sucky baby".

Do I just surround myself with overly opinionated people or is this a normal trial of parenthood?

Back to Work

Well for financial reason I have had to venture back into the workforce, not exactly excited about it but I will do whatever I have to do support my family.

I am still breastfeeding and so far it has been not too bad cause I am working midnights. She takes a while to get to sleep at night but hubby has been averaging 9:30-10:30 which is pretty good considering she usually goes to sleep on the breast.

We have gotten her teeth situation on the go as well and she goes into get the work done on March 25th. We are a little more relaxed knowing that the dental office we are going to has the Chief of Anesthesiology as the person who will look after that.

It has also been a busy month as my hubby has had a loss in his life. This past Friday he had stopped over to see his mother as he often did and found her deceased. It has been difficult for him but I can only hope that the reconciliation with his family will help him get through this. I suspect that he will have a rough week coming as he finalizes clearing out her apartment.

Anyways have to get ready for work but I thought I would write a quick update for everyone. :)

Overprotective?

Why is it when I don't want to take DD to family members houses or let them babysit (while I go no where) they call me overprotective?  I have no need to leave her with people as this is the reason I chose to be a stay at home mom while I can. She is also only 18 months! Not exactly sleepover age.

 I find it easier to have people over to my place where I know what she is into and I have child locks on everything. She is also at a stage where she is shy around everyone and doesn't want to go to people she rarely sees but I am "spoiling her" or she is being miserable. Let's not forget that I am still breastfeeding and that "should be stopped for everyone sake" even though it is recommended to 2 years and is very good for her health-wise and is only non sociable because people are uneducated.

Some of my family stop visiting because they just forget to stop by, apparently, but if you want to be a part of your granddaughters life why wouldn't you make the effort whether or not it means you have to go out of your way? I am the bad person for not taking her places too when we only have one vehicle and and it's not here most of the time. I can call and ask for rides but then I need the carseat which is in our one vehicle and I don't like to be a bother and when I want to go home I have to wait until whomever is ready.

I feel like it is a constant battle as to what we did when we were being raised and what people did with their kids and well "nothing bad happened to them". Also just cause you won't smoke when she is there the fact that you do smoke in your house means there is nicotine and other toxins on the stuff in your house. I know this as I was a smoker before too, and I don't want my daughter around it, she deserves better then what we had as kids.

I can't wait for the holidays to be over...

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Signs...

July 25th, 2007

I had woken up early that day for some reason, I was unemployed at the time and didn't need to be any where but I hadn't slept well. I had woken up wide awake in the middle of the night so waking up early surprised me. After seeing hubby off to work I began watching Breakfast TV Toronto when I saw my Aunt Leslie was going to be on, I quickly began recording it, little did I know that my day was about to change dramatically from a moment of pride for my family to a very sad day.

After watching my Aunt I drank my coffee watched some other TV and fiddled around on the computer, checked out Facebook which I had just discovered at the time. About 10 am I heard my SO pull up so I went to the door to see why he was home so early...

The look on his face and the words that came out still haunt me to this day, the pain in his eyes having to deliver such horrible news. My brother Wesley had been in a car accident and had been killed instantly.

I was in shock I remember yelling no and breaking down and then calling my Mom and Stepfather to get details. My Stepfather was mostly matter of fact but you could hear the tears in his voice as he told me what he knew had happened, he had been driving with a friend to pick up a fridge and the driver had been drinking when he went off the road about 3 am, approximately the time I woke up for what I thought was no reason.

Another Sign?

Recently I suffered a miscarriage and although it sucked that it happened I am not upset about it as I know these things happen unfortunately. The days leading up to me even finding out I was pregnant I had a weird dream that my Stepfather was alive although he had died in 2008, it was so weird and real feeling that I can't even describe it properly.

Then the night after I found out I was pregnant I had a dream that I was taking my baby to meet my Grandmother who had died in 2003, but it wasn't my daughter, although when I first woke up I assumed it was. I didn't even put the meeting of the departed loved ones as a sign that the pregnancy was not going to last until after the miscarriage.

How strange is that? I am definitely going to pay more attention to dreams and weird feelings I get from now on.

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Am I a bad Mom?

So recently I noticed some issues with my daughters teeth. First it was a small spot that looked like a cavity right on the very front of her top tooth, then I noticed that her lateral incisors looked like they were actually broken. Then yesterday I noticed that it looked like she has some decay behind those teeth. I called the dentist and went today. Of course it didn't go well because she definitely didn't want strangers touching her let alone touching her mouth which was half my battle and why I didn't notice. Now I have a referral to have her sedated while they do her teeth and I am freaked out about it....I don't want her put out but I don't want this to become a problem for her.

Now as to why I feel like I am a bad mom...I don't like the cry it out practice, I can't do it. I tried but it wasn't for me, I don't like making her feel like she is being abandon therefore she sleeps at the breast and then nearby or at night with us in bed. She is always falling asleep at the breast, very rare does she sleep on her own, she can and has but the routine is for her have her mmm-ba (her name for the breast) before bed and when she is ready for her nap she takes my hand and tells me she wants the breast. The dentist recommends washing her teeth after she is done at the breast but how do I do this to a sleeping baby without having to start the whole process over again? I guess I am destine to figure this out as I have to do whatever I can to keep a handle on her teeth.

I feel as though by making things easy for her and less of a battle for myself I have created these problems with her teeth, I feel horrible. I don't want her to have these issues and I will have to get them dealt with but I am afraid of putting her out (sedating her) while she is so young. I know first hand how your smile can affect your self esteem as I too had issues with my own teeth and then at 25 got them straighten, although they have shifted slightly they are way better then they were. I don't want her to have this issues.

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My Favourite Things...

Okay for new mom's these are a few of my favourite things product wise:

Food:

Okay so I got a +Baby Bullet  for Christmas and it was fantastic for a while until DD wanted to eat everything we were eating now it is collecting dust. She does eat the odd pureed food and I find the @Heinz Baby food pouches the best as they incorporate both fruit and vegetables which is reassuring that she is getting a variety of foods.

Clothing:

The best clothes I got for DD are Carter's brand as they seem to fit the longest and have really have cute outfits that can mix with other pieces. As for needs, I didn't really need much more then a few diaper shirts at first and now at 16 months she is happiest in t-shirts and leggings or track/jogging pants. When we go out we tend to use the diaper shirts now that the weather is getting colder. For pajamas she slept better in two piece pajamas and it made diaper changing a whole lot easier, she now wants more one piece ones but the problem is with her running around it is hard to find ones with grippers on the bottom which is very important as most people have hardwood style floors or linoleum.

Diapers:

We love +Pampers Baby they are the best, right now we bought some size 3 cruisers that are getting a little small so we use them throughout the day and at night we use Pampers Baby Dry (size 4) and we have never had a problem. I think in total we have had only one blow out using Pampers and that was when she was first born and honestly I don't think any diaper would have held that much :)

Bedding:

We bed share so the crib gets barely used and we had a bassinet and we also barely used that but in all honesty I am glad I had them to try and decide how it was going to go. I still use the crib for some naps.

Toys:

The best toy we bought was her +playskool Rocktivity Sit to Stand Music Stand, she loved it at 6 months and it encouraged her to stand up, although the legs did come off we kept them on. Right now her favourite toy is her Potato Head family, she can play for hours by herself, I know it is recommended for kids 3+ but we have taken away the smaller pieces (the earrings). So as my favourite toy company it would be Playskool and she she loves +Sesame Street  and they promote those characters too.

Keepsakes:

I was all excited to get a baby book when I found out I was pregnant and so I went out and paid $30 for one and to be honest it is only half filled out. The best thing I found for keepsakes purposes was a photo book made by me and published by +Shutterfly it is beautiful, hard covered and personalized with my pictures. Best of all? +Shutterfly has the most amazing deals and most of my orders where under $10!! Even with delivery!

Anyways this is all I can think of at the moment so hopefully it helps any Mamma's :)
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The things I wish someone would have told me...

So here goes my list of things I wish I knew about having a baby...

1. your hair falls out...lots of it, some people experience bald spots. I didn't but have heard it happens. So be prepared to constantly have frizzy hair.

2. your breasts will hurt bleed chap, cracked and no longer feel as youthful and be thought of as sexy, they are food, they are your babies.

3. time will fly by and you will wonder what you did all day and how you couldn't manage to even start a load of laundry, let alone complete it.

4. you don't need a ton of clothing...in the summer your baby will probably wear next to nothing and in the winter sleepers are good enough.

5. you will have no time to yourself,  even the simplest of tasks will involve your baby and you will plan everything around him/her.

6. your day is miserable if your baby doesn't want to nap and you will realize why you had a bed time as a child...for your parents mental health and you now know why they got so mad when you wouldn't go to sleep.

There are tons of things I could go on about..but these are just some of the first things I noticed.
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PCOS

I just realized that I forgot to mention that in the beginning of my relationship with SO we had always talked about having children, he has two but that is complicated and not my business to talk about, but he wanted more.

On our one year anniversary he through my birth control in the garbage and I was so happy. It was what I always wanted yet for the next year it seemed to elude us. That summer I had a few months where I hadn't had my period in 3 months so off I went to the doctors. I was referred to a OB/GYN who gave me medication to start my period and hopefully that would kick me back on to being regular. Well it helped but I wouldn't call me regular, I had to take the medication another time too. I knew I had to have been trying for a year before I would worry. Then came my one year anniversary of trying and still nothing and my period was still erratic. The OB/GYN referred me to a specialist who diagnosed me with having Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I went for monthly blood work and ultrasounds, I was on medication to correct my blood sugars so that my insulin wouldn't affect my hormones and help me ovulate.

Six months later we had some personal issues that made us chose to up and move our lives back to our home town. Stressful times and I decided to stop the medication cause at this point having a baby wasn't something we could deal with at the time. My cycle returned to normal while we were back in our hometown where we stayed for the next 3 years but nothing ever happened pregnancy wise but we decided if it were meant to happen it would. We joked that my cycle returned to normal because there are hormones in the water, as our town has a high teenage pregnancy rate.

In 2009 we moved back to the city with my Mom, it was meant to be temporary but it just seemed to work and we stayed there until 2012 a month before the birth of my daughter, but let me get back to 9 months prior to her birth...

Pre-Pregnancy

I used to be a big drinker but had basically quit drinking for about two years other then maybe one or two a year. I had a major blow out with my brother's ex girlfriend and started having a few drinks and had a good time, so I thought I have no major responsibilities I can have a few drinks here and there... Well that didn't last long. Decided to go on a shopping trip with my Mom to the States one weekend in late October thought as I was trying on jeans that they were a little tight cause I was PMS'ing even said that to a sales girl, lol. When we got back was trying on new clothes and showing SO and thought to myself, I wasn't quite sure when I was due to have my period and perhaps I was late...as we were getting ready for bed I mentioned to SO maybe we'd grab a test the next day.

We got up the next day and went about the day as normal and near dinner time we were at Walmart and so i grabbed a test. As SO was bbq'íng I went in and did a test...it was positive, called SO and his reaction was priceless he looked at the test and was like "what does that mean?"

And so began our parenting journey...so much for PCOS, all signs say different and doctors I have seen have kind of did a "pfffff" when I mentioned that diagnosis.

Fast Forward...

Well the first couple of months went by pretty fast mostly a blur but not for lack of sleep. It was mostly just he whirlwind of euphoria...I spent most of my days in disbelief that this beautiful baby was mine I had created her, she had grown inside my body.

15 months later here I am a Stay at Home Mom who is still Breastfeeding and trying to figure my way through Motherhood. My house is constantly messy and I still wonder where the day went and how can I run after DD and pick up the same things over and over again but never seem to accomplish much.

A lot of times I feel down and tired, I don't feel much like a woman. I wear comfy clothes (or pj's ) all the time as I seem to have gained more weight after having DD then I did when I was pregnant with her. To be honest I ate/eat junk food like crazy...as soon as she was out and I could have sugars again I went crazy. People asked if they could bring me anything when visiting those 2 days in the hospital and I said "Timbits" lol. Probably not such a good idea :) I have lost a bit since the winter, but with winter coming back I need to watch myself.

Baby #2?

We have also discussed having another if it happens and have decided we would be more then happy but we recently went through a scary miscarriage, well scary for us who have never had one before. I had found out I was pregnant on a Thursday and had miscarried as of the Sunday, was sent home as I had chosen to let thing continue to progress naturally. I was breastfeeding so I didn't want to take medication and the other option, a D&C was not something I wanted to do knowing I had a baby to look after at home. SO works outside and therefore needs to get all the work he can during the good weather and without me working it's not like we could afford it.

Wednesday evening SO had taken DD out for a walk before dinner and I had some cramps that were pretty painful, when I went into the bathroom and when SO came back I still there and was bleeding continually so we packed up and went up to the hospital. By time I had been checked in I had bleed through my clothes...I was admitted and sent to a room where I was given adult diapers which I was changing every half hour and that was only because that was the point I couldn't stand it anymore. They monitored for a bit and I was given medication to essentially induce a labour so I could pass the remainder of the pregnancy. It wasn't too bad for me and after a few more hours I was allowed to go home. Over the next two and half weeks I continued to bleed/spot. I am thankful that it is finally over and now we can try again.

New Baby New Life...and a change of plans

Big Plans...little thought

So before I had DD I had big plans on going back to work, having family babysit her and just going on with my life. I didn't know that I would be so in love with this little person that I wouldn't want her out of my sight. The whole idea of going to my Dad's and hanging out in the summer was squashed, he has big aggressive dogs and I wouldn't be comfortable with her there as SO was already bit by one while I was pregnant. Even my own cats fell victim to the protectiveness I felt over this little tiny girl, they were pushed away and untrustworthy all of a sudden.

My other plans of having DD and heading home within 24 hrs was dashed too by my choice to have the c-section which left us in a bit of a financial pickle. I had already applied for my maternity benefits but had yet to receive them and with the cost of the move and travelling back and forth to appointments had left us broke. Parking was almost $20 a day and then food for SO was not cheap at the hospital and leaving and repaying parking was out of the question. Stress, stress, stress...I also opted to leave the hospital a day earlier then they recommended as well, still struggling with breastfeeding.

Heading Home

So heading home was a bit of a challenge as we only have a pickup truck and we had so much stuff from our days of waiting and then not being entirely sure how to fit in the car seat we called my dad. So my Dad and Stepmother came and picked us up the drive home wasn't too bad other then the two of them arguing about the traffic (it was a long weekend and Friday night) and the seat belt pressing on my incision. Oh and did I mention it was during a heatwave and my Dad thought it was unhealthy for DD to breathe recycled air?

It was so nice to be home, as soon as my parents left  felt like I could finally breathe. My SO was a little concerned that we came early especially with me just having surgery and the new baby. He had previous had children in another relationship but they were natural births and he was much younger. DD was his second chance and he wasn't prepared to take any chances with her safety or mine so we had some tension that very first night, which we both got over quickly.

We seemed to get into a routine pretty easily over the next couple of weeks and I think my major saving grace was having my SO home with me for the first 2 months. He cooked, he cleaned and he supported me even though we had to deal with combining our parenting styles which led to a few disagreements but nothing we couldn't overcome.

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Being a Mom for a whole day...

I am a MOM...

So for the first day of my daughters life things were alright, a little stressful though. I could not for the life of me get her to latch and I couldn't find a comfortable hold in that very uncomfortable hospital bed. I also was still itchy from the morphine, which is what was in my epidural. Now for a girl who barely takes a Tylenol this was pretty hard core for me and then to realize that the Benadryl they were giving me was making me feel off too. I don't even normally take cold medication cause I get all messed up, lol.

During my first Mommy day I did my best to breastfeed and still no matter how hard I tried could not figure it out. Had a few visitors and tried to sleep a little, but that night my SO had to go home and check on our pets and get himself a comfortable nights sleep, he had slept on cots and chairs for the last two nights and had been awaken every time I was checked on or the baby stirred.

Holy SH*T I am a MOM!

My first time ALONE was scary at first I didn't want him to go but I understood and he made sure he let the nurse assigned to me know  as well. The nurse I had was great she was supportive when I was frustrated about the baby not latching and she stayed and talked with me and didn't make me feel guilty about cup feeding DD.

After the nurse left I was alone again and I could do nothing but stare at this beautiful little girl in amazement...she was mine.  I created this perfect beautiful little girl. Wow!

The next time the nurse popped her head in she reminded me I should get some sleep...after a bit more staring, I did.

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Just Starting out...

So I won a prize yesterday from @Pampers and @WalmartCanada #PampersStork and I realized that there are a lot of Mom's out there Blogging. I thought to myself, "why not me?" I am going through many changes in my life, becoming a Mom and becoming a stay at home Mom within the last 15 months maybe someone can relate to me and well really it gives me a place to speak my mind and vent, cause honestly at times being a Mom is not easy.

From the 'Almost' Beginning...

When I became pregnant we were living with my Mom and had never thought a baby would be a part of our lives, we had been together for 8 years and even at one point had seen a fertility doctor and never ever got pregnant. My pregnancy felt like a whirlwind, so much going on, we decided to move back to our hometown, I had Gestational Diabetes and heart and lung issues. I had appointments constantly it seemed and near the end they multiplied. I had numerous readings of low fluid and was back and forth to the hospital twice a day for the last three weeks of my pregnancy. Finally after my third low reading my doctor insisted that I be induced which was fine with me, that was on Monday. Left the hospital and drove the 45 minutes home and was to go back down 4 hours later or if there were any major changes. At 8 pm headed back to the hospital to only be told that although I was contracting every 3 minutes I had only dilated 2 cm and to come back the next day at 10 am or if there were any changes. I was very nervous about going back and forth and the bumps in the road were very painful, the very rude doctor told me i could wait it out in the lobby if I wanted. Me and SO (my significant other) discussed and decided to go home. After barely sleeping that night I called my doctor the next morning and tell him what happened, he called me right back and told me to head down he was going to admit me and we would wait it out there. So back to the hospital we went to get checked in and to get re-induced. Tuesday contracted all day again and slept very little, by Wednesday morning I was exhausted and done with the inducing. At noon when I was being checked again and was still only at 2 cm I requested a c-section. My doctor who was in the hospital came by and checked on me and wanted me to wait it out but understood and was okay with my going forward with the surgery.

At 7 pm I was prepped and by 8 pm I had been given my freezing and meds and was on the table. It was a weird sensation not feeling my legs but it cool too. Finally my SO was brought in and he looked nervous and worried I was smiling like an idiot feeling euphoric and excited to meet our little girl. At 9:06 she was out, they showed me her over the screen and I just remember feeling a rush of love and happiness. She was cleaned, checked and wrapped and left with my SO while they finished sewing me up. I was wheeled out to finally have a meeting with my baby.

She was beautiful! I knew right then I would rather die then be without her. When I was taken to a room I began feeling an extreme itchy feeling and could not stop scratching my face and so they gave me Benedryl which made me feel out of it and I guess I was cause my SO stayed the night with me and basically looked after the baby while I itched and got frustrated trying to breastfeed. I thought breastfeeding would be natural and easy, it wasn't and definitely not easy when I couldn't focus on holding the baby for the intense itching. The baby was cup feed while I slept off the meds and my SO slept on a cot at the end of my bed when he was taking care of the baby.
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